Seattle

I've been a week in Seattle and the rains have finally come. I took a walk this morning in my new, knee-length rain jacket and listened to the pitter-patter of rain drops on my hood juxtaposed with the crashing of horse chestnuts falling from nearby trees and narrowly missing me, somehow, every time.  I wasn't even a quarter through my short morning walk when I was sighing from the heat and removing a layer of clothing from beneath my jacket.  I haven't quite remembered how to layer for cool weather.  I spent so long in southern California that I seem to think any temperature below 60 is cold and requires multiple layers. The outcome is that I end up sweating through all of my jaunts outside.

But I'm learning, and as long as I picture myself in some sort of "Seattle kindergarten," then I can laugh at myself and try again tomorrow.

The move went smoothly. My house, room, and four roommates are fantastic.  On a clear morning, of which I had a few in this first week, I can see out past Lake Washington from my bedroom window during a rosy sunrise. I live in a big, old house near the University of Washington, which has its advantages and disadvantages.  The house is beautiful -- three stories, hardwood floors throughout the upper two floors, set on a wide street with other similar houses.  It's near a beautiful, wooded ravene park. Many of our neighbors are families, although a few are rentals like us and host UW students. On my first Saturday night, someone through such a raging party that our windows almost rattled. Thankfully, they quieted down by 10 so I could get some sleep.

I've remembered the joys of bike commuting.  I switched out the clip-less petals on my mountain bike for flats and started riding around on it.  I've realized pretty quickly that first, that bike is too flashy to be riding around in a high bike-theft area, and second, that what I really want to be commuting on around here is a road bike (seriously, my legs are already getting huge from hefting that huge frame up all these hills).  So I'm working on figuring that out.  In the mean time, I'm lucky enough to be able to walk to the store, the YMCA, the park, the cafe, the bar, and the burrito place (which, I was right, just doesn't add up to the quality of those OB burritos. Insert sad face here).

I've been working part time from my computer as an administrative assistant for a local yoga therapist.  I love the job, I just wish it was more hours. I've been looking for more work and trying not to get too frightened at the dwindling numbers in my bank account during the search.  I figured out how to jump through all the hoops of practicing Ayurveda in the state of Washington, which requires me to have a "hands on touch" license.  It will just take me passing the national massage test and paying a massage school a transfer fee, and paying for a new license.  All to the tune of about $700.  So I'm working towards that, I just don't yet know when it will all come together.

I'm still working on feeling my way through life rather than thinking so much. I really tend to over-think, over analyze, to the point that I can make a problem out of anything.  I'm working on surrendering to my life, rather than pretending I have so much control.  I knew it was right to move here, so I know that the Universe will take care of me. I just like to have answers to things and the not knowing is so challenging!  But when I worry I do silly things like I did yesterday, which was slip down the stairs in my hurry out the door and sprain my finger.  There's nothing like a painful digit to remind you to slow down and be a bit more mindful.

Speaking of surrendering and feeling my way through life. I've been working on my vision of how I want to help people heal. I love Ayurveda and believe in its ability to help us heal, but I also use my intuitive skills a lot when working with clients. To that end, I've joined a medical intuitive training program called the Wellness Alchemy Master Healers program.  Many of you know that I am a clairvoyant (intuitive, psychic, same thing), and some of you have had readings from me.  Now I'll be practicing giving Wellness Alchemy healings over the next year, so please contact me if you'd like to schedule an appointment. I see myself using this skill in combination with Ayurveda, Yoga and massage to offer clients whole body-mind-spirit healing.

So that's my experience in Seattle so far.  I'll keep you posted.  Oh, one more thing -- the coffee here is excellent.

Resurfacing

Packing is exhausting.  I can only do it in bits and spurts, until my low back cries out, "No more!" and makes me take a break.  During my breaks I read trashy vampire novels I've left in a "donate" pile, knit a new cowl for upcoming cool weather, watch re-runs of familiar TV shows on Netflix, eat burritos (I don't know if Seattle will have the quality of burritos we have here), and study Tarot (yes, I'm quite a mixed bag, aren't I?).

But tonight, my packing was finished, or as far as can be finished without the final shower, the last batch of laundry, the loading of the truck.  Tonight, I celebrated the end of packing with a cold Scotch ale and my last sunset at Sunset Cliffs in OB.  It was not a sad night, not a night where I was teary-eyed at all that I was leaving behind, oh no.  Tonight was a celebration.  As I watched the beautiful waves heave themselves against the cliffs, then draw back out toward the horizon again, a metaphor for my life right now, a deep seated feeling spread throughout me and took me by surprise.  Tears came to my eyes.  Because I was indescribably happy for the first time in so long.

More and more, I'm being called to "feel" my way through life -- to make fewer decisions based on logic and intellect and more based on how they feel to me.  As a very mundane example, the other day I had some time between appointments in Solana Beach, so I went to one of my favorite stores (The Leaping Lotus -- don't kid me, you know you could spend hours there).  They have this fabulous scented oil I like, so I went and found it, then started looking around.  I found a dress I liked and tried it on.  For the next 20 minutes, I analyzed the pros and cons of buying the dress.  Could I afford it? What bills did I have left to pay?  Did I need it? Would I wear it in Seattle?  After all the analyzing my mind was overwhelmed and I finally bought the darn thing, only to walk out of the store and have a huge sense of guilt plague me.  So I did something I've never done before -- I walked right back into the store and returned it, no apologies, just doing what I felt was right for me.

As a bigger example: people keep asking me why I'm moving to Seattle.  The only answer that seems honest is, "It just feels right."  I feel good in Seattle.  I don't have huge opportunity awaiting me that I know of, although it feels that way.  My family doesn't live there, and I've only recently spent time there.  But when I'm there, my body has this sense of settling and grounding that I haven't felt in years.  The air smells cool and crisp in the morning that lets me sense that fall is right around the corner.  It feels more like home than any place I've lived in the past six years, so I've decided to move there. It feels right.

This morning I did yoga on the sea cliffs near my house, and then again tonight I watched the sunset from the same cliff.  The swell has picked up, and the waves are bigger than they have been in a while.  I used to surf a lot.  I used to feel the energy of the water moving underneath me almost everyday, and everyday it was different.  On a big swell day, I had to be more careful with my choices in waves or else I might get caught inside, taking the greatest impact from the waves.  As any regular surfer knows, if you are caught off guard in big swell, the waves to with you what they will. However, if you do get caught in that unfortunate wave, it's best to relax and let the water move you, rather than struggle against a force that is so much greater than you.

That's how this year has been.  When I went to India at the beginning of this year, I realize now that was me fully stepping on my spiritual path, like a surfer choosing her wave.  And as those who enter onto a spiritual path know, once you step on, there's no stepping off.  Once you've chosen your wave, you're on it for the entire ride, whether you fall off or ride strong.  Sometimes, you might feel like you're drowning, but if you learn to relax, chances are you'll resurface, because you were smart enough to chose the right wave for you.  Choosing to follow a spiritual path is similar -- you might feel overwhelmed at times, but the key is to learn to relax, to trust that if spirit led you to this path, you'll resurface again.

I'm resurfacing.  In this moment, I'm resurfacing.  I don't know what the future brings.  For all I know, I'll resurface just in time to see another wave cover me.  But I don't think that will happen, and even if it does, it's okay -- I'm learning to relax.

I've been so blessed in San Diego -- this place has taught me so much.  The lessons weren't always easy, and some days I wished to be other places, but I have grown more in the last four years than I might have my whole life.  I've been given a wonderful group of people who I love and who support me, and I am forever grateful for them.

I've spent the past week letting go of my old identity.  I've said goodbye to those I need to leave behind, and farewell for now to those I will see again soon.  I've done my best to stay grounded while I'm still here -- to each morning greet the day in nature and plant my feet firmly in the sand so that I stay present here.  Tomorrow, I will load up and start the trek to Seattle.  I am excited! My intention is to leave behind anything that kept me from realizing all of my hopes, dreams and wishes; to learn from my past but live in the present; and to be brave as I move into the next phase of my life.  I'm ready to keep this happiness.  I'm ready to be back on the surface.

Moving Forward with Grace

Sometimes the past looks so comfortable, so stable and so inviting.  But that doesn't mean that it's right for you anymore.

Just given the fact that it IS the past is reason enough to believe that it isn't nurturing you, comforting you, or supporting you anymore in the way that you need.

I know these things to be true.  That we can only move forward, and there's really no point in trying to move back. I don't want to move backward -- for me, moving backward would mean moving out of the truth in my heart, moving away from being true to myself and my path. It would mean the cold and drowsy stability that kept me hostage for enough years, and it is not for me.

But moving forward can be scary.  I'm currently reading the classic tale, "The Mists of Avalon," and in it the character Morgaine keeps saying, "Be careful what you pray for, as you might just receive it." Just as she warns in this old, mystical tale, so I hear her words repeated in my head as I am happy to be moving forward -- I just seem to be moving at a pace that seems so quick compared to the dull and stagnant pain of the past.

This week, I entered a situation which put one of my feet back into my "old" life -- the life I lead before I stepped on my path to truth.  One of truths about moving forward, for me, is that I've been asked to let go of things at an increased rate.  One of those things are the animal companions I've had for ten years.  For a myriad of reasons that I will not debate here, I have turned over primary care to the hands of my ex, who can provide them a place of comfort and stability than I at this point. While he has been away on vacation, I have stayed at my old place of residence to care after my furry friends.

I love being with these animals and taking care of them once again. Yet I find myself in an pattern that is all too familiar of my old life, and it's as if I see an old shadow of myself against the walls of this house. Indeed, it is like I stepped one foot back into my old life. I can see the comfort that was created in those old patterns, and how those comforts like quicksand acted to keep me there for so long.  I move around in this space where I dwelt for so long, falling back into old routines in a space that was mine but isn't anymore.  This isn't my space anymore, and the familiarity is haunting.  And the house I rent, however nice it is, is not mine either.  I realized two things -- that I'm ready to create my own space and that yes, I deserve to have it.

Instead of being drain back into old patterns, I have been motivated to move forward and create new ones. As my energy shifted into creation mode, the Universe quickly laid into my hands what must have already been mine. Receiving what I ask for again and again has quickly knocked down any barrier I had about deserving those things.  This week, I realized again that I DO deserve to succeed and that I am worthy of Divine grace, acceptance and aid.

As I came to those realizations, I made plans to move forward, and the Universe answered. In about a month, I am moving away from San Diego and into the lush, dripping greenery of Seattle.  I have a job interview next week.  I have word from my family to help me move.  I have a lover who is waiting for me.  I am ready to create my own, new reality based on my spiritual path of being true to myself and to Universal guidance.

It's not always easy, moving forward so quickly. I do not want to go back in any way, shape or form, it's just that moving forward takes courage, faith and acceptance in order to work and sometimes I find myself having a human experience and feeling afraid.  But that's okay, too, I suppose.  I am so lucky to have the support of others following their paths to their truths, and one of my close friends and supporters said to me, "All you can do is move forward with grace."

All we can do is move forward with grace.

It's interesting that she said that to me, given that my name, Anna, means "Grace."  So I will try to live up to my name, then. My friend's words provide me comfort today, as I start to say goodbye to my past, my furry companions, my old limitations and my old ways of being.  I will try to make separation with compassion, with kindness, with gratitude for all that I've been given.  I will do my best to move forward with grace. 

Pain - What's it Really About?

I've been thinking a lot lately about pain.  I've been writing research papers on it, meditating on it, and thinking about what it does for the human condition.  But let's start simply:

What is pain?

Well, on a physical level, pain is discomfort in the body.  It's a signal from the body that something isn't right and that something in our lives needs to change.  This physical signal can be as simple as asking us to change the position of our body, as when our foot "falls asleep," or to ask us to drink more water or eat more potassium, as when our muscles cramp during strenuous exercise.  Sometimes, our body's pain signals are harder to interpret, as with chronic pain or injury (pain or injury lasting more than three months).  Additionally, there's a whole other field of pain to look at -- emotional pain and turmoil, which can depress our mood, bring tears to our eyes, and start to manifest itself on a physical level through stomach aches and headaches, heartaches and, if left unresolved, into the deeper tissues of our bodies.

I recently wrote a research paper comparing Western allopathic and Ayurvedic treatments for both acute and chronic musculoskeletal injuries/pain, which you can find here.  What I found was that, when dealing with chronic pain and injury, both Western and Ayurvedic treatments work with the physical body and the mind in order to address healing.  However, Ayurveda looks at the body as an integrated system with different forces at work (the doshas) and is able to provide a more accurate and unique healing program for individuals.  Additionally, Ayurvedic knowledge moves deeper than Western to include information about subtle body anatomy, and is able to address how our beliefs and thoughts, and their corresponding attitudes and behaviors, affect our health.

How many times have you had a headache, or a backache, or some other kind of ache, and simply fed it with an over-the-counter pain reliever and thought nothing more?  I know I have, several times.  We are human, and when the human body is suffering, we need to have our symptoms eased.  However, when our body cries out in pain and we feed it with a synthetic numbing agent, we are essentially telling the body, "Shut up, I don't want to hear it."  And indeed, when pain occurs over and over, and we constantly ask the body to "shut up," we create a disrespectful relationship with the body, and can start to see the body as something "other" than we are.  We start to believe that the body is "acting up," like, "why won't my body feel good so I can do the things I want to," as if our bodies weren't attached to the rest of mind and spirit.  How many of you have related this way because you believed that the pain was something that you inherited?  As in, "My dad has a bad back, so bad backs run in the family."  Or, "My mom always got headaches before her period, and she passed that on to me."   The belief that we will always inherit the physical problems of our predecessors is simply that -- a belief.  Fortunately or unfortunately, we are what we believe, and our beliefs create our experiences.  Believing that we inherit some form of illness is a story that we can choose to tell ourselves or not.

Taking that NSAID pain reliever for a headache now and then isn't a bad thing.  However, if you are consistently getting headaches, or back aches, or other aches, it's time to stop turning off the body's signals and start listening to the message your body is trying to tell you.  Pain is an effective communicative skill that the body has, if only we are able to listen and to open ourselves to the more subtle meanings behind our pain.

Sometimes physical pain is just that -- physical.  But always there's an underlying cause.  Since this heat wave has started, I have been getting slight headaches around noon that manifest behind my eyes.  Because of my studies in Ayurveda, I know that this type of headache is from heat and from having too many fire-building activities during this hot weather.  For example, it's been over 80 degrees on the coast, yet I continued to treat myself to local burritos with hot sauce, drinks with friends, and long walks during mid-day.  All of these things build heat, and once I listened to my body's signals, took note of my actions and changed them, my body stopped sending me the pain signal.  Sometimes, the underlying cause becomes more difficult to find, as with chronic pain.

Working through sacro-iliac dysfunction, with its consistent pain and discomfort, taught me a lot about myself.  Pain changes this game we call life.  When I first experienced the severe pain that would change the course of my life, I did what I've been taught to do -- in fact, what my family always did when there was back pain (because we are that family of "bad backs") -- I gave up my personal power to heal and helplessly handed myself over to a person in white coat, who by their credentials must know more about healing than me, and did what they told me to do, which included lots of pain relievers and muscle relaxers.  I went to traditional physical therapy, where I was in a large room of people, my therapist treating me while gossiping with his friends and treating another patient simultaneously.  I didn't change my lifestyle, except for what the pain made me change. I didn't look inside.  Until I realized I wasn't getting any better.

But I've told my story here, so I won't run it here again.  Unfortunately, this is the type of story that is told over and over again in health care offices everywhere.  That story that we are doing everything "right," or at least doing everything our doctors have asked us to, yet we're still not getting better.  We might be getting worse. The bottom line is that when pain becomes chronic, and no form of physical treatment, Western or alternative, can fix it, it's time too look inside to the subtle body factors contributing to pain.

We know that certain emotions can have very fast acting effects in the physical body.  For example, fear -- it accelerates the heart rate and creates a hormonal response in the body, which increases your respiration, effects your sphincter control and relaxes the bladder (you gotta "go" so you can run if you have to), creates tunnel vision, and more.  Often times, the fear we experience is because we are afraid of pain.  And if we haven't yet recognized the source of our pain, we can become fearful of having more pain, and our body can continue to show symptoms of both pain and now fear, creating a viscous cycle of chicken and egg.

But I digress.  Chronic pain, or any dis-ease in the body really, has an origin.  Especially if the pain wasn't caused by a sudden injury (and sometimes even if it was), there is often a pattern in our attitudes and behaviors that is supporting the pain and letting it stay there so that we can recognize this pattern and change it.  We become the stories we tell ourselves.  If we believe that we have a bad back, hip, neck, whatever, from our family, or if we believe in general that "people get old at age 60" and fall apart, then "So Be It," says the universe.  If your mind-body-spirit system isn't in line with that belief, then pain will manifest.

Often times, the stories we tell ourselves aren't as obviously related to pain as what I mentioned above.  The stories we unconsciously tell ourselves sound something like this:

I can't please anyone.

My sister got the talent in the family, I don't have any talent.

I have a right to be angry.

I'm too fat (or ugly, slow, fast, late, early, straight, narrow, liberal, conservative, etc).

All I do is procrastinate.

I'm not good with money.

I've tried everything and nothing works for me.

I am not good enough.

That's what it comes down to, generally.  The belief that you are not good enough.  This tiny little belief can have such a big impact on our lives.  If we believe, in any way, that we are not good enough, that little belief can shape our world into one of physical and emotional pain and suffering.  

A belief like this often starts sometime when we're very small, when we unknowingly accept that belief and then continue to live with it as a basic assumption.  As an example, "I'm not good enough," could turn into, "So I must go above and beyond to gain approval from my parents and others around me.  So I will go fearfully through school that I only get straight A's, marry the person the 'right' person, move into the profession that I 'should' go into even though I really love something different, start having babies before I'm 30 because 'that's the healthy thing to do,' take criticism from my partner and friends who makes me feel unworthy because, after all, I'm not good enough to deserve love and support, and I'll also accommodate everyone around me because they deserve more than I do."  Wow! No wonder someone like this may end up with a consistent back ache! She has never felt that she was supported, never learned to support herself, and holds the belief, deep down, that she just isn't good enough. Of course, none of us think like this consciously -- we might get glimpses of this belief or emotional pangs in the body from time to time, but our actions and behaviors follow our most basic assumptions about life.

So what do we do?  What if you're experiencing pain and not sure what it means?  By all means, find yourself an alternative health practitioner with experience in the connections between the subtle and physical bodies, and whose job it is first and foremost to LOVE you (really, that's what we're trained to do).  Look for someone who will give you health advice to return the power of healing back to YOU, and gently guide you toward figuring out the subtle body components to your pain. Because I've experienced pain that had a very significant subtle body cause, I'm now helping people move past their experiences in chronic pain at my office in North Park, and I'd be happy to help you as well.  Or pick up one of my most inspirational books by Louise Hay, Carolynn Myss, or Maya Tiwari.  Either way, do something -- life is too precious to be lived in pain.

Remember this:

You are perfect just the way you are. 

Your body is perfect, healed and whole.  

You are deserving of whole body health, happiness and joy in all moments of life.

What can only be described as LOVE

Does anyone else feel like time is speeding up?  Like the planet is actually spinning faster and so what our hearts desire to manifest come back to us exceedingly quickly?  I feel as though I put my intentions out towards what I'm ready to receive, and as if throwing out the worlds fastest boomerang, it's back almost before I can raise my hand to catch it.  Just in my last post, which was only a month ago but feels like ancient history, I talked about feeling happy and being ready to accept more love, happiness and authentic connections.  So with the power of this new planetary vibration beginning,  I guess it was no wonder that I found myself in the midst of the YogaSlackers Teacher Training.  This 10 day event, just as last year, was a meeting of some of the most authentic and loving people on the planet and I feel so blessed to have been a part of it.

The YogaSlackers have a reputation for being rather bad-ass, and their training is no different.  It isn't just extremely challenging physically, but often also mentally and sometimes emotionally (I mean, do these really come separate from each other?).  I wrote about this training last year in my blog, mostly my challenges with my body and meeting my own physical expectations of myself.  Also about my injury as it related to different parts of my life, particularly my relationships. But also the joy that I found in feeling part of a family of authentic and loving people.   This year was also full of love, and physically challenging, but not because I was being pushed on the line or in conditioning -- I was the cook.

Laura and I, the two cooks (or Cookies, as Sam called us)

Another brave soul and I took on the challenge of cooking for this group of 37 people for 10 days.  We kind of new what we were getting into, as we had seen it all go down before.  But as we wheeled five carts out of Costco for just our first of four shopping days, shoving food into every crack and crevice of both Jason and Chelsey's car and the Peace Love Car (aka: PLC), we wondered if we were really prepared for the week.  The schedule went something like this -- out of bed at 6am to make coffee, tea and put out snacks by 7am.  While they do yoga from 7:30 to 9, we make smoothies and serve them at 9.  Then, prepare brunch to serve by 11, a healthy snack at 3pm, and dinner by 6:30ish.  Sometimes a birthday or anniversary would require some extra TLC for late night brownies, ice cream, cake, etc.  So for the first couple days while we figured everything out, we were on our feet for something like 15 hours a day.  I have never felt my feet hurt so much.  I never really had my hips ache even when laying down.  I've never moaned in pleasure during legs-up-the-wall pose, which was done often, and in any place we happened to lay ourselves down, sometimes shaking our calves back and forth and muttering in an exhausted, dreamy voice how it looked like a kelp forest and then laughing until we melted into puddles on the floor, where sometimes hungry slackers would find us and we'd pick ourselves back up and into the kitchen....

Doing what we do best!

But, as the days went on, we became more efficient.  We were able to gauge just how much work was needed to create excellence, and no more.  We were able to give ourselves mid day naps and play time on the water slackline and interact with the amazing people who were there to learn to teach slackline and to eat our food.  So although my body was tired, and hurting in new ways that only a car buffer, trained hands and anti-inflammatories could help, I have also never felt more appreciated for such hard work.

Every day, we were thanked endlessly for our food.  We were massaged by participants.  We were given smiles and hugs (good hugs, the heart centered kind I long for), compliments and kisses, laughter and jokes and applause.  People came into the kitchen to sing with us (because, Goddess knows we were always singing).  And we were able to be part of the new generation of YogaSlacker teachers, and it felt so GOOD.  And through that process, the happiness, love and space for new possibility that just a long month ago had shot me out of a shadow and propelled me into this space of light and love, blossomed.  And I was able to give, and to receive, and to share, and to love, and to feel genuine gratitude for all that was around me.

Taco Night!

Before I left for the retreat, I had been keeping true to the lunar rhythms and following the pattern of the moon and stars in my chart.  The full moon in Sagittarius that carried with it a partial eclipse fell in my 7th house of relationships.  On a good guidance of my astrologist Holly RePenn, I created a document that lists, in detail, the qualities of a person who would fulfill my soul's need.  I was tired during this full moon, and I begrudgingly took to work, but became more interested and soon took pen to paper with gusto.  Then, when I went to Virginia, I immediately forgot about the list (which is the surest way to manifest quickly -- ask for what you want and then let it go -- how is the Universe going to take it and manifest it if you're still holding on?).  During the training, I met so many people who fulfilled my soul in so many of the ways I needed.  But I got more than that.  I am sitting here this morning, listening to the birds sing and marveling in the possibility that I've already manifested what it was I wanted from that simple list constructed during the full moon.  I'm marveling in the ways of the universe and and I'm coming to experience what it is I've always known -- that as long as I listen to the guidance of spirit, and all the tools that Spirit provides, I can have my heart's desire.  All I know is that today I am grateful, and hopeful, and grounded and happy.

I am also happy in knowledge that I am on my final leg of healing this experience of back injury. I can FEEL it in my aura and I can see it in my meditations.  I came home to see my physical therapist, sure that long hours on my feet, a night sleeping in and airport, and a day on a place had screwed my back up royally.  Instead, I was in for another juicy surprise -- I had no mal-alignments in my spine, period.  None!  Tears of joy streamed down my face for the second time that day, and I told my PT, "I can feel myself at the end of this cycle."  She said to me, "We both knew it was really about getting our of your relationship cycle.  You were able to make the hard decisions, and they came with the greatest rewards."  And I allowed myself to feel pride, for finding the courage I needed to address the cycle of emotional pain that kept me in physical pain, and to make the decisions necessary to change my life.  And it's changing now, whew!  Changing so quickly it makes me giddy with happiness.

Maybe the loving power of the YogaSlackers group allowed my manifestations to occur so much more quickly; that idea that if you get a bunch of like-minded individuals in a creative space together, miracles will occur.  Maybe when you get a group of loving, authentic and supportive people together, people who notice each other's intrinsic worth and support what they see inside, the seeds that our spirit plants in order to manifest our dreams are fed by those energetic ribbons of love and hope and laughter, and we are able to create our dreams much more quickly, no matter how fast the world is spinning.

Pain, fear, loss, love: LIFE

I've been delinquent in my postings.  It's not because I haven't been full of words, as I am always overflowing with streams of words that flow out of me like the trickles of water that overflow the banks of pregnant rivers whose banks can no longer contain the flood.  But I've contained my writing lately, dropping wet words onto large pages of multiple journals, because one is not large enough to contain within it the oozing weight of each word.  In the past few months, I have continued to have the feeling that I am being shoved forward and commanded to embrace a new life now, not when I feel ready, but right now.

This constant movement forward has been frightening, and I could feel the tendrils of fear try to wrap around my heart and hold me in place, try to freeze me into a state of not-doing, of not-moving, of resistance.  And I became afraid to write about the fear I was experiencing because, after all, I'm now Ayurvedic Anna, and I need to have it all together, right?  But as the new moon came and passed, I was pushed out of my cycle of fear, like being spewed from a tornado, and I could look back on it and think, "Now wait, I'm certainly not the only one who's been stuck in a fear cycle.  Why not write about it?"

Many of my readers know, although I have not yet said this outright, that I have recently moved on from an eight year relationship that included marriage.  I loved my husband. It's hard to love someone so deeply yet know simultaneously that the love itself is not enough.  It's harder still to clearly explain this.  And I still love him, and I find it amazing how the pain of losing someone like that can grow more intense as time passes, rather then diminish along with the conversation, connection and affection.  The decision to move on was clear, mutual, and not without serious discussion, meditation and thought.  Unfortunately, none of those things makes it any less painful.   None of those things make it any easier to bear the feeling of the floor being swept out from underneath my feet and feeling myself flailing in mid air in search of stability.  For my marriage represented my stability -- it was consistent, it was comfortable, it was secure and reassuring in many practical ways.  But too much stability can also become too heavy, can create boundaries and limitations, and can weigh you into patterns based on the comfort of the body, not the cries of the soul.  So it is ironic, then, that the qualities that lead me to leave are the same I ache for now.

Nevertheless, I am building back up.  For where is there to go but forward?  Fear and pain want to hold me back.  They want to keep me in a cycle of constant and crazy thoughts and keep me from moving forward into the role I've always wanted to fill, that of a confident, compassionate and successful healer and teacher.  Fear was keeping me from evolving from a person who held myself back to one who embraces the challenge that heart-centered integrity requires.  Fear, combined with the feeling of losing my stability, spun me around and had me wondering what to do next -- reach up and out or root down?  The answer, of course, was found in the same words I've been using this month in every one of my yoga classes.  "You have to root down into the earth first, through your connection points to the planet, and then you'll naturally feel the body rebound up toward the sky."

It was like I'd slapped myself in the face with my own words.  Isn't it amazing how fear can keep you from even taking your own advice, or realizing it was there in the first place?  As the new moon and solar eclipse came near last weekend, I could feel the shift occurring.  These issues I mentioned became more pressing, and the need to motivate into action became a buzz within my body.  Luckily, I woke Monday morning with a great sense of support that came from within.  And this feeling that, even though it will take time to build a new foundation for myself, I am fully capable of doing so and I have the support and love from the Universe that comes from staying true to myself and my path, no matter how difficult it seems.

I'm rooting down now.  I'm learning to process the pain as it comes, which is always when I least expect it, but I'm able to release it be grateful for what is, not what was.  I'm out of the fear tornado, though I'm still brushed with tendrils of fear now and then.   A friend told me that playing host to fear and worry is like praying for things you don't want, and I agree.  I know that all I can do is continue to train my mind through meditation and conscious thought to focus on what I'm grateful for and what I'm ready to create and share with others.  I'm building a foundation for my new business in Ayurveda, called "Ayurvedic Anna."  If you haven't already, please "like" my page on Facebook and contact me if you want to know more.  I'm excited about building better bridges between the Ayurveda and Yoga communities through donation-based informative talks and special discounts for yogis interested in pursuing the balance that Ayurveda can provide.  

I'm evolving in my friendships and other relationships.  I'm practicing heart-centered communication -- simple, honest and open transparency about who I am and what my needs are, and how much I care.  It's not easy; in fact it's scary as hell to break long-established communication barriers with people I love but haven't told, or care about but who don't treat me well.  It's also necessary, I've found, if I want to move forward and continue to evolve.

And I'm learning to be true to myself and my sensitive body, and get over the fact that I have a long list of needs.  I've recently admitted to myself, like a friend recently admitted to me as if she were confessing to a criminal act, "I think I'm high maintenance." Which I used to think was a bad thing.  Now I'm just realizing it's what comes with developing a steady, deep mind-body connection.

The important thing is that even through the pain, and fear, and constant change and growth, I am happy.  I can see the beauty of the process, even when it feels ugly and awkward and stumbling.  I am ready to share more, to do more, to love more, to sing more and to listen more.  I'm ready to be more of who I already am.

Change and Manifestation

It's only April, but already 2012 is living up to its expectations as a year of change.  Not in the earth shattering, natural disaster, end-of-days type of change that has been such a popular drama in the media lately.  Instead, what I've been noticing is a pattern of destruction and rebirth.  Destruction of old habits, patterns, relationships, and values that are no longer healthy or serving and creation of those that do.  Perhaps because my personal life has taken to such dramatic change as to seem drastic, I have been attracting others who are sharing similar growth.  But nearly everyone I talk to lately is going through a period of intense change.

It's been said that the only thing constant in the world is change, and that seems obvious when you sit at the ocean and watch the tides come and go, the waves build and fall, and over time, the sea cliffs fall into the ocean.  But historically, humans haven't done very well with change.  For the most part, we are creatures of habit, and many of us feel safe in carefully constructed habitual patterns and daily rituals.  And Ayurvedically, healthy routines and patterns are considered good for the body and for the mind.  Healthy routines keep us grounded, our bodies regular, and our minds calm.  But can your current routine get you through big, life changes? Is your mind malleable enough to let the routine bend to shape the new life, and are you okay with idea of destroying a routine that's not working in exchange for one that does, even if it's uncomfortable for a while?  Those are the questions I'm currently considering in my own life.

I'm a big believer in manifestation.  What I mean is that I truly believe that if you are following your dharma, or your spiritual path, or you're "in the flow," then you have available to you the Universal energy needed to create the life you want.  An analogy I like to use is to think of a hand of cards -- the dealer gives you your hand, and you didn't necessarily know what it was going to be nor what game you're playing. This is like fate; everyone has their own hand of cards.  But once you understand which game you're playing (i.e. you've found your spiritual path), then you can choose to play your cards however you like, and you can even ask for more cards if you're following the rules of the game (i.e staying on your spiritual path). This is your destiny, and the beauty of destiny is that you get to choose what it is.

What I've discovered in my own life is that I can choose to go off of my spiritual path -- to play a different game with the cards that I've been handed.  But it's often wrought with strife, and feels uncomfortable.  For the past several years, I've felt somewhat blocked in my pathway, and even though I believed I knew what was causing it, I was too afraid to make the changes necessary to get beyond the struggle.  And so I sat and I waited, and I looked for another way out (a different game to play), and I was generally unhappy, sometimes miserable, and very often felt helpless.

Most of you read my blog entries about India, and learned how my experience there really taught me (or forced me, maybe) to let go of a lot of the fear I had in my life.  When I came back to the U.S., I was no longer afraid of the repercussions of making the big changes I needed to make.  I could see how in the short term, the change would be uncomfortable -- there would be grief, sadness, loss and pain.  But I could also very clearly see beyond the short term, and although the path was undefined (because it was waiting for my creation), it was bright, brilliant, and filled my heart with joy.

I'm an information gatherer.  I love using all types of sources to gather information about this life.  Many of you know that I am clairvoyant and often use my psychic skills to read friends and clients, and I receive the same information from others.  I also see a very researched, talented, gifted and caring astrologist in Laguna who provides invaluable information.  Psychic readings are like affirming what you already know but are too afraid to admit to yourself.  Astrology is like throwing a grid over the seeming incoherentness of your life and understanding that there are patterns to the seeming madness.  Anyway, with the help of these sources, along with the guidance of my daily mediation, I realized about a month ago that I had a lot of manifestation energy available to me in order to create my future.  So I sat down and did that.  I performed a simple ritual in which I thought of all of the things I wanted less of or to get rid of all together, and I wrote them onto paper.  I showed this paper to the universe, and I burned it to ash.  Next, I wrote down all the things I wanted to create in my life in the future and I put these strips of paper into a bowl on my alter.  Today, I woke up and realized that I have many of the things I wanted for the short term, and have planted seeds for my long-term creations.  There is nothing on my list that seems out of reach, and I dream big.

My point is this -- change is coming, whether we like it or not.  Change is constant.  But when we're really in flow of life, when we understand what our path is and accept it, then we can make decisions and changes based on our heart guiding us forward.  When we live with our heart leading, the changes we make will only open more doors of opportunity for us.  It may happen slower than you'd like, or it may happen faster than you're comfortable with -- that's what happened to me.  I made one huge decision, sat down to create what I want, and it was as if everything was pushed through the "system" overnight.  Yes, creating this kind of change may create discomfort in your physical and emotional bodies.  It did mine, and so I gave myself specific time periods for dealing with those.  If I felt sad, I gave myself 30 or 60 minutes to get it all out, then I moved on.  If I wanted to eat chocolate and cheese puffs, I had a week to get it through my system before it was back to healthy food.  I gave myself permission to go to bed later and to sleep in if I needed to, and to not have an agenda besides the necessities.  But the point is that I was able to let go of what was no longer serving me, and when I did that, I could finally understand the huge amount of energy I spent being unhappy in my old situation.  I feel like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I have more energy to be myself, to get through my day, to be creative and witty and to give to others.

Change will happen.  And sometimes we don't get to choose the changes that happen in our lives.  What we can choose is how we act or react according to change.  And that, in itself, is very powerful.

I'll leave you with a quote that my friend gave me last November for my birthday.  I've thought of this quote often as I started making big changes in my life, and it has helped me.  I hope you like it as much as I do.  It's from Pema Chodron.

Embarking on a spiritual journey is like getting into a very small boat and setting out on the ocean                  to search for unknown lands . . . . Like all explorers, we are drawn to discover what's waiting out there without knowing yet if we have the courage to face it.