Releasing the past; right and wrong.

Sometimes, I get in a bit of a funk. Do you ever feel that way? Like something isn't quite right, and you're not sure what it is, but you just feel kinda stuck? I've had that feeling for the last couple of days.

I really don't like having that feeling.

It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, because this is what I help people do for a living -- I'm intuitive and should be able to figure things out, immediately, right?

But I'm also human. Thankfully.

This thing that was bringing me down felt arduous, felt heavy like pregnant clouds, but ever out of my reach of understanding. My analytical mind was having a hay-day trying to figure it out.  It's amazing to me the myriad of ridiculous thoughts my analytical mind (ego) can come up with to justify me feeling down. I swear, if the only way of knowing things on this earth was through analyzing them, I'd go crazy.

Luckily, there are other ways of knowing.

Last night, I had a dream that I was being denied access through a gate that lead to this beautiful mountain top. I was being denied access until this person from my past came back and allowed me to move through the gates. I was furious, because I wanted to hike into the beauty of the mountain, to access the healing available there, and to gaze back at the view. I was also furious because I didn't want to wait from this person from the past to catch up to me and to interact with him -- not because I had anything against him, but because I wanted to move forward.  I felt torn -- part of me wanted to just blow through the gates but another part of me was fearful that if I did, something bad would happen.

I woke up with a feeling of unease. It reminded me of the feelings I'd had when I suspected I might get fired that day, or be broken up with, or be reprimanded for something. It was a feeling of failure.

I immediately put on my hiking shoes and drove out to my favorite forested park for a walking meditation. As I started walking, I realized two things that my dream seemed to represent to me. The first was that my past was haunting me and keeping me from enjoying the dreams and aspirations I have for the future. And second, the reason that the past is haunting me is because I've been stuck on ideas or energy in my space that want to affirm that there is a right and wrong way for living in the world.

There have been several instances just this week where counseling others included the spiritual truth that there is no right or wrong in the spiritual world -- there is just our experience. Right and wrong are concepts that our analytical mind create (don't get me wrong, moral judgements can have a place in society, I'm not here debating that).  When we get stuck not wanting to make the "wrong" decision, we are essentially stuck in fear -- fear that if we "do it wrong," something bad will happen and we won't be good enough. Our actions just have consequences, that's it. Some consequences we will like better than others, but essentially it's trial and error, learning and growing.

As I walked through the beautiful, rainy morning, I practiced turning off my analyzing mind of focusing on my breath. As I watched the morning unfold, I had the realization that everyday, nature lets go of the old and moves forward. Sometimes, like during the change of the seasons, letting go takes some time -- leaves dry out, drop, and trees release excess wastes and waters and prepare for the winter. It's a process. Sometimes, it happens quickly -- like during a big storm, when a branch just isn't strong enough and snaps off the tree. Either way, the tree keeps on living and the forest finds a new way to support the change.

Sometimes, letting go of our past takes time. Sometimes it's a process. But the more we keep ourselves within the limited mindset of right and wrong, the longer that process will take. Today I remembered to be gentle with myself, to keep practicing the miracle of being in the present moment and accessing the joy that is found there.

Why should you listen to me anyway?

For a lot of my clients, their journey with me starts with a story about pain. Chronic pain, aching pain, lightning pain, hot pain, nerve pain, turned-me-into-a-different-person pain. Pain that has created two very distinct phases of their life -- before pain and after pain. Or, their story tells of discomfort, of health issues that are uncomfortable and embarrassing, or of issues that sound "weird" or don't make sense to the medical world.

Sometimes, people come to me because they're seeking clarity or grounding. They find themselves in a rut, feeling scattered and unable to call enough energy together to make change. They feel like they're in a cycle they can't get out of.

And to all of you out there who haven't yet decided to schedule a session with me, I wanted to tell you more about who I am and why I can help to address these issues and all of the day-to-day things that may bring you in for an Intuitive Coaching session.

I've been there.

I've had pain. I've had the chronic pain, the pain that wakes you up in the night, that doesn't cease in any position, that keeps you from doing everything you love until you don't know if you have the capacity to love anymore. I've had the kind that makes you bitchy, makes you snap at waiters and loved ones and makes you feel like a jerk who should have stayed at home. I've had the kind of pain that defined me and became the backdrop for how I knew myself.

I've also been the one with embarrassing, hard to identify health issues that had every doctor starting their prognosis with, "Well, I've never seen anyone with this reaction before...."

For me, pain manifested as a chronic back injury that blew up in my face one day while rock climbing. It wasn't the rock climbing that did it, mind you (although that twisting, manteling move wasn't exactly spine-friendly), it was the 20 years of overuse, of shutting my pain up with Ibuprofen and muscle relaxers, of never seeing pain as a sign but rather an annoyance to my goals. My body had given me plenty of signals throughout the years, signals to slow down, take a day off and mellow out, but I didn't listen. Then one day, BAM! My body didn't give me a choice that time.

So when people come to me with pain, I tend to imagine that they're telling me this story of pain and believing that I may not know how they feel. Trust me, I've been there. And I'm here to tell you that I got out of my pain and you can, too.

At first, I was desperate to get relief. I still saw my pain as an annoyance, like a brush fire that just needs to be stomped out as quickly as possible. So I threw myself to mainstream medicine -- sports medicine doctors, pain relievers, mainstream physical therapy, all the best recommendations I could find. And I failed. Not more than a week after my official care ended, I was re-injured.

I'd received the best care that my medical doctors could give me, so why had it failed?

My treatment failed because I wasn't listening to my inner voice.

Instead of listening to my inner voice, I was listening to the smaller voices inside of fear, telling me to get to a doctor, a real doctor! Telling me to listen and follow their advice because they always know better than you, they're the healers! And those smaller voices told me to question my intuition about my back because intuition isn't medical and can't help you heal.

I had run out of options. So instead of looking outside of myself and my knowledge base, I decided to look inward. When I did, I realized my body was looking for a very deep kind of healing, healing of the connection between body and spirit. This initial realization scared me, because the little voices in me weren't sure I was capable of this kind of healing. But my True Voice, my Inner Voice, was sure. The more I learned to listen to my inner voice, the more it lead me to healers and specialists who were aligned with my true healing path.

Next, I could tell you the story of how I met an amazing group of women who combine yoga with physical therapy to attain fantastic results. And I could tell you how I was one of the most difficult cases they'd ever seen, and how much work and frustration the healing process was. And it was. I found these healers through listening to my inner voice and sticking to what I believed healing could be. Just as important as finding this team of healers was the internal transformation and healing that took place through continuing to listen to my intuition and my inner voice.

One of my first realizations came in a yoga class that I was teaching. I'd said it over and over to my students, "You have to find the balance between ease and effort." I realized then that my whole life I had practiced effort and loathed to practice ease. Effort to attain good grades, effort in relationships, in friendships, in accommodating others. I always worked and created from a place of effort. Effort was everywhere, there was no ease!

It's not that effort is bad -- just like yoga says, we need both ease and effort. But when I took a closer look at the motivations behind all my effort, I realized that they were all fear based -- run an extra three miles so you don't get fat, do the extra credit even though you have a perfect score so that the teacher will like you, do everything for your partner because that's what good girlfriends do (even if he doesn't reciprocate), eat a perfect diet because it's "healthy" even though it's not fun.

I also realized, through intuitive insight, that this concept of favoring effort over ease had been programmed into me. I realized that somewhere in my development, I began to associate accomplishment with love. So I worked with a lot of effort in order to achieve love and affection. I also applied that same principle to myself -- only if I accomplished great things during the day was I worthy of my own love.

Ouch.

Low back injuries are often a sign of "lack of support or stability." If I couldn't love myself unless I accomplished, no wonder my body felt a lack of support.

I had to learn to be on my own team. I had to learn to balance effort with ease and to replace the old programming that associated accomplishment with love to something that served me better -- like the promise to myself to always support myself and my decisions when following my inner voice. To always gently guide myself back to my path if I have fallen off, and to not berate myself for any mistakes. To choose, instead, to learn from my mistakes and make the next decision in accordance with my higher voice.

Sometimes, our inner voice asks us to do things that are scary. It might ask us to quit that job that keeps us stressed all night, or to leave a partner that makes us feel undervalued, or to separate from friends who aren't in alignment with our highest goals for love and friendship. These changes and seem big and scary. What I have learned is that the inner voice is persistant and patient. It will continue to ask you to change, to move on, to grow. I've also found that when you do listen, and you take the big leap, it can feel scary and uncomfortable for a while, but the inner voice is tapped into the Ultimate Wisdom of the universe and always has a way to catch your fall, even if you can't yet see where you're landing.

I don't have back pain anymore. I experience some discomfort during certain activities, and I use meditation and physical activities to keep my body healthy. I'm still on a healing journey -- and although it can be uncomfortable at times, I don't think I'd have it any other way. This is how I learn to listen to my inner voice and it is through this path that I am able to connect to my clients.

I can continually use my inner voice to guide me to health and healing, and so can you.